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A little bit about when i was born

If I look back to how I live, I lived so carelessly. I still do now, but maybe now I’m more refined than my teenage years. Everybody eventually will, someday. My life is all about the experiences of 5 senses. Of sight, of feelings, of tastes, of touch and of sounds.

Saying those, doesn’t make me an artist or an expert of art.. Let me just say that I’m an experienced fan of my own life.

That was a part of my life when I’m surely very thin.. The sickness has started to creep its way.. I have diarrhea, fevers, rashes. Did I choose to go to a doctor? No. I choose to work on a gamble website and translating pages of “terms and conditions”. which no one reads.

I was born January 12th 1978, at noon. While most people was busy with their lunch, a team of doctor and nurses had to stay at the operation room helping my mother who were having trouble delivering normal since the baby’s head was too big.

Despite all the difficulties, she did gave birth to me naturally. 42 cm tall, almost 4 kg, I looked bigger than any babies on the hospital, whiter and with a gigantic bobbing head, the staffs must have wondered if this baby is a result of mating with a Djinn.

Yeah, Indonesians have that sort of imaginations.

A child with a head too big for her shoulders, I soon grow up to be a quiet child with big curiosity towards everything. I cut draperies into chunks of useless fabrics, i mixed all my grandmother’s pricey Nina Ricci makeup in hope to have an explosion, i smashed my grandfather’s precious china and put them all back again with much fails. Whenever they get furious, they would just locked me inside their bathroom, only to come back 3 hours later and found me having fun with their toiletries.

Dat head

My older sister was their apple of the eye. Even though she looks smaller, but she’s chirpier, more demanding and more sweet.

About my teenage years

I was still the least favored of all the siblings and my mother gave birth to another 3 daughters. My parents were married too young, at 18. No matter how many years past, they will still be a pair too young.

I grew up even more as a quiet and awkward child.

But behind all that, to my confusions, I sexually matured. Not knowing what sex is and the norms that was applied in Indonesia made me even more secluded.

Soon my studies collapsed, from the bright and quiet student, to a misunderstood slow child. My grandparents found me strange, my parents hated me and the school teachers, well they always not looking unless i threw tantrums.

At my grandmother's funeral

When my grandmother died, I felt like I’ve lost all my chances to ever correct things with her. The last time we met, she was so angry at me she nearly punched me in the face. It was a misunderstanding, my little sister was having an allergic reactions and i gave her the ointment that i knew was the right one since I often saw my mother applied it to her. She was angry, since i wouldn’t wait for her to come home.

My grandmother was a beautiful woman and so regal, people would hold their breath and stare at her whenever she walks inside. Even her name, Irene Beckx sounded so royal.

Favorite picture of my grandmother

I wanted to be like her. Of course by now, I still look nothing like her and i stopped trying so hard.

About when I bloomed

I was still having difficulties at school. Still bullied even by the teachers for being so straightforward with my curiosities and my failures in understanding school subjects. They called me troubled, lazy, a girl who talks back at them, too many bothering questions.

After a failed attempt on 3 months child counseling at the psychiatric ward, she puts me on a less demanding school, where the children are much poorer, but livelier. And when i reached 16, I finally grown as a woman. I started getting more attentions from the boys.

I was taller, whiter and curvier than most kids my age. There was another girl who was just like me, except that she was a year older. Her name was Angel, but a name was misleading since at 17 YO, she’s no longer innocent. She knows how boys is and how older men are better, more accommodating.

The year was the 90′s and as we all could remember, it was colorful and wild.

I would sometimes spend the nights at Angel’s house or other girlfriend’s house and on midnight, we wear our best skimpy dress and sneak out to go to the clubs.

By the age of 15, i smoke and drink like a champ. by 18, I started to take extacy, coccaine and finally heroine.

I’m not gonna tell you about my 4 years spent on addictions, most of those years i don’t even remember.

But i think I also dated many men, got serious to some, engaged twice and then by the second time I was engaged, i was already 22.

About my marriage

When I met Antoine the first time, I gave him the wrong phone number. He wasn’t all that impressive at the time, with his shaggy jeans and shaggier polo shirt, towering over me and suddenly asking my number at a busy night on Hard Rock cafe. That was my favorite cafe.

Antoine and me on our second wedding party

Besides, I was dating this German guy, a lot older than me and I thought I was in love with him. It turns out, he was really that serious. He was browsing from bar to bar at Jakarta for the whole year, only to find me again.

So we met exactly a year later at B.A.T.S, Shangrila Hotel. He then demanded that I give him a correct phone number. So, I gave him my house number.

Antoine called my house and when my mother answer the phone, he told her how he had been bar-hopping for a year in hope to find me. My mother was furious. She said that I better do something about it. So I did.

We finally dated and when we reached the 2nd year of our relationship, we got engaged. He brought his parents to Jakarta to see me and saw how much I really have fallen in love with the old couple, and then he brought me to France to announce our engagements.

About when it all shattered

There was a regulations, a certain health screening test for couples. This is necessary and important, since we come from different country. 2 months before our wedding on may 23th 2002, we both had ourselves checked. His result came out very good, but the doctor called us both after 2 weeks, that was 1 week longer than the usual test and we wondered why. My blood test told us that I’m a HIV positive. I was devastated, I was angry, confused… My marriage crumbles even before I say I do. He was cursing all my previous men, he was cursing at my past, we cried together.. but he didn’t cancel the engagements. The doctor told us that HIV has no cure and I will only have a few years to live. So we hid the facts from his parents, but I told my parents.

The wedding

After the wedding and the whole month trip to Paris to celebrate the second party, we grew further apart. I was too scared to connect with him sexually and my lifestyle got uncontrolled. I started spending my allowances on videogames, on junk food, I started sleeping in the morning so that i wouldn’t have to share a bed with him. Out of frustrations, he started drinking heavily and I can’t stand his mocking slurs sometimes. After 8 months, he decided that it is the end for both of us and told me to go home to my parents.

The divorce took another 8 months to finalized, but we divorced. A few months after that, I took another blood test and came out as HIV negative.


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July 2014

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